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27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

All too often I hear parents saying silly things like, “Take all the advice you can get, babies don’t come with instruction manuals, you know.” Well, guess what? This is the day and age of the internet and if we want instructions for a baby, we can find them. Luckily, authors David and Kelly scoop wrote and illustrated a hilarious book titled ‘Safe Baby Handling Tips‘ about raising your baby. Here we have it. Step by step baby instructions that will have you parenting like a pro in no time. If you are not a fan of humor or you are easily offended, you may want to leave this page immediately. The next 27 images are intended to be both helpful and hilarious.

1. Exercising Baby: When exercising the baby, you don’t want to go straight to the heavy weights. Work ’em up to that slowly.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

2. Clearing Baby’s Nose:

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

3. Walking with Baby: Specially designed baby hauling back packs are quite amazing. Stuffing your baby into a regular unequipped backpack is quite dangerous.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

4. Feeding Baby: Babies need bottles. Of milk. Not Turkey Legs.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

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5. Calming Baby:  Bourbon is not a cure-all… Until you’re older.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

6. Changing Baby’s Diaper: Baby wipes are a good thing. You don’t want to use your skirt.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

7. Babyproofing Your Home: Call an electrician before your house burns down.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

8. Playing with Baby: Remember gentle motions. You’re not tossing the baby out for a Hail Mary to win the game.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

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9. Nursing Baby:

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

10. Bonding with Baby: Coffee and cocktails will have to wait. You’ve got a couple of decades before that’s deemed appropriate.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

11. Massaging Baby: Gentle is the key. No karate chop massaging techniques.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

12. Making Baby Smile: Forcing a smile might work with your friends, but when it comes to the baby, it’s a no go!

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

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13. Washing Baby: A nice warm washcloth is always going to be better than being attacked by a hose.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

14. Fun Games for Baby: Peek-a-boo is going to win every time.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

15. Putting Baby to Bed: The crib, not the drawer. Drawers are for socks and underwear.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

16. Helping Baby Teethe: They make fairly inexpensive water filled items called teething rings. Pick some up. Don’t let your baby eat the shoe.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

17. Bundling Baby:

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

18. Shopping with Baby: Did you know that the shopping carts have a separate compartment for children? You do now!

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

19. Stimulating Baby: Mobiles are good. Scantily clad infomercials are bad… Any questions?

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

20. Testing Baby’s Bottle:

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

21. Containing Baby: Playpens are good. As much as you’d like to put your children in a cage from time to time, that’s inappropriate and I believe illegal.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

22. Checking Baby’s Diaper: This should be self-explanatory. But if you prefer the second method, it’s on you… Quite literally.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

23. Buckling Up Baby: This one seems self-explanatory, but even still I am pretty sure I’ve seen this happen in real life.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

24. Choosing a Babysitter: We’re going for quality here, people.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

25. Introducing Baby to Pets: A slow, steady introduction will be best. Baby shouldn’t be forced or fully immersed in a pet play situation.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

26. Drying Baby: No. Don’t you dare think about it. Not even on the gentle cycle.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

27. Lifting Baby: Repeat after me folks… Heads are not handles. Heads are not handles. Very good.

27 Hilarious Baby Handling Tips For New Parents

More Info: Safe Baby Handling Tips

Hopefully these funny baby instructions gave you a good laugh. And who knows, maybe they gave you a little insight on what NOT to do!