All too often I hear parents saying silly things like, “Take all the advice you can get, babies don’t come with instruction manuals, you know.” Well, guess what? This is the day and age of the internet and if we want instructions for a baby, we can find them. With a little typing and clicking of the search button… BAM. Here we have it. Step by step baby instructions that will have you parenting like a pro in no time. If you are not a fan of humor or you are easily offended, you may want to leave this page immediately. The next 27 images are intended to be both helpful and hilarious.
1. Exercising Baby: When exercising the baby, you don’t want to go straight to the heavy weights. Work ’em up to that slowly.
2. Clearing Baby’s Nose: You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose… Um, just don’t pick your baby’s nose. That’s gross.
3. Walking with Baby: Specially designed baby hauling back packs are quite amazing. Stuffing your baby into a regular unequipped backpack is quite dangerous.
4. Feeding Baby: Babies need bottles. Of milk. Not Turkey Legs.
5. Calming Baby: Bourbon is not a cure-all… Until you’re older.
6. Changing Baby’s Diaper: Baby wipes are a good thing. You don’t want to use your skirt, you’ll get that crap on everything.
7. Babyproofing Your Home: Um, Seriously? Call an electrician before your house burns down.
8. Playing with Baby: Remember gentle motions. You’re not tossing the baby out for a Hail Mary to win the game.
9. Nursing Baby: Yes, this is a little gender bias. But gentlemen, what are you doing? You know you don’t even make milk.
10. Bonding with Baby: Coffee and cocktails will have to wait. You’ve got a couple decades before that’s deemed appropriate.
11. Massaging Baby: Gentle is the key. No karate chop massaging techniques.
12. Making Baby Smile: >Forcing a smile might work with your friends, but when it comes to the baby, it’s a no go!
13. Washing Baby: A nice warm washcloth is always going to be better than being attacked by a hose.
14. Fun Games for Baby: Peek-a-boo is going to win every time. But if you’re stupid enough to try to force the baby to play chess, I’d be interested to see who gets frustrated first.
15. Putting Baby to Bed: The crib, not the drawer. Drawers are for socks and underwear.
16. Helping Baby Teethe: They make fairly inexpensive water filled items called teething rings. Pick some up. Don’t let your baby eat the shoe. They’re NOT A DOG.
17. Bundling Baby: I think that by now you’ve figured out that the Stork bringing the baby in a nap-sack is make believe. So should the storks method of bundling.
18. Shopping with Baby: Did you know that the shopping carts have a separate compartment for children? You do now!
19. Stimulating Baby: Mobiles are good. Scantily clad infomercials are bad… Any questions?
20. Testing Baby’s Bottle: If I ever catch someone testing the bottle like this, I sincerely hope that it’s scalding hot.
21. Containing Baby: Playpens are good. As much as you’d like to put your children in a cage from time to time, that’s inappropriate and I believe illegal.
22. Checking Baby’s Diaper: This should be self explanatory. But if you prefer the second method, it’s on you… Quite literally.
23. Buckling Up Baby: This one seems self explanatory, but even still I am pretty sure I’ve seen this happen in real life.
24. Choosing a Babysitter: We’re going for quality here, people.
25. Introducing Baby to Pets: A slow, steady introduction will be best. Baby shouldn’t be forced or fully immersed in a pet play situation.
26. Drying Baby: No. Don’t you dare think about it. Not even on the gentle cycle.
27. Lifting Baby: Repeat after me folks… Heads are not handles. Heads are not handles. Very good.
Hopefully these funny baby instructions gave you a good laugh. And who knows, maybe they gave you a little insight on what NOT to do!