When nature calls… The following events are common and quite natural. Everybody you know does it. Why then, are there so many awkward and embarrassing things that can happen to you while in the public restroom? There are so many unwritten rules and common sense protocols engrained in our lives that this post should be completely unnecessary. Alas, the phrase, common sense, should be outlawed as it seems to be as rare as a unicorn. Too many times have I been relieving myself at a urinal when some hairy beast with his shirt only half buttoned wanders over to rub elbows while he’s sucking away on his dog turd of a cheap cigar. Or just as awkward, you hear someone in the midst of a business call while squatting out a monster log, then they leave without flushing or washing their hands. Surprise people, you are disgusting and you have some serious issues. Below is a gruesome, yet hilarious, list of awkward bathroom moments that I’m pretty sure you can all relate to.
1. Throne of Lies: You know, when you have to sit down on one of those automatic flushing toilets that decides to flush 37 times. Every movement seems to make the toilet flush with such force that you’re afraid your eyeballs are going to be sucked through your body and down the drain.
2. Splash: No good deed goes unpunished. When that expensive meal that you had last night decides to make a turn for the worse, common courtesy dictates that odor elimination would be hastened by at least one courtesy flush. Being the good person that you are, you abide. Your punishment is a ferocious attack of water and waste all upon your backside and dangly bits.
3. Smell Ya Later: No doubt about it. What happens in the bathroom, it stinks. If you’re gonna hang out in the bathroom for any other reason than what was intended, you’re going to get what you deserve. Smell ya later.
4. Phone In The Bathroom: Ok. At my old job, there was a salesman notorious for this. Apparently his conversation with the client was so important that he couldn’t take a break to relieve himself. And this wasn’t just urinal relief. You’d walk into the bathroom and he’s chatting up a storm. He’d finish, and afraid the customer might hear him, neglect to flush or wash his hands as he vacated. Needless to say, I never once shook this man’s hand.
5. Personal Space: No I don’t want another man touching or talking to me whilst my genitalia is exposed. If you are going to try to talk to me while I’m at the urinal I WILL turn my whole body and stare you in the face while I continue urinating. Hey, that’s just a fair warning.
6. Hello Friend: Waiting outside the restroom to say hello or acknowledge a friend is a bit on the creepy side. What is far worse? Trying to strike up a conversation while you’re both holding your junk and taking care of business. Don’t talk to me, don’t even look at me. Don’t make these awkward bathroom moments ant more weird. We just went over this and you’ve been warned.
7. Bodily Noises: Even though this is the time and place to relieve the excessive fluids, waste and gasses, embarrassment is common. Something tells us that if there are other people present we need to suppress our natural noises. Listen, you’ve held it in long enough. If I’m at the urinal and I let one rip, this is the right time and place. No need to shame me by laughing or rolling your eyes in disgust.
8. No Paper Towel: To keep with good hygiene practices, you wash your hands. You turn and there’s no paper towels. Do you use your pants? Do you air dry? No way. Players gonna play, haters gonna hate. Me, I’m gonna shake it off. Shake it off. (That was entirely too shameful.)
9. Wet Handle: All is said and done. You exit the restroom only to find a wet door handle. Oh man, you hope that’s just water… Back to the sink you go.
10. Junk Check: Come on, you freaky little peeping Tom. What in the name of all that’s holy tells you that it’s okay to inspect another man’s equipment when he’s at the urinal. Yes some guys do this… If you’re guilty of this, next time you enter the restroom, imagine this… Eventually someone is going to beat you senseless and hopefully they have the common decency to make sure they’re aiming into the urinal. Try explaining that black eye to your friends without losing face.
11. Sink Splash: Tell me that I’m not the only one. You turn on the water with your hand under the tap only to find that there is way more water pressure than you were expecting. Maybe you just leaned a little too far forward and now your shirt or pants have an unexpected wet spot. Hopefully this public restroom has a hand dryer for short people, because you know those paper towels are doing nothing to help your cause.
12. Wash Hands Not Feet: The sink is for washing your hands. Maybe, wet a paper towel down and freshen up your face. Armpits, feet and ‘other body parts’ should not be washed in the sinks of a public restroom.
13. Who’s Coming With Me: I’ll never be able to understand why girls go to the bathroom together. It’s not like you can share the seat. Is there some sort of bathroom emergency preparedness kit that us guys don’t know about? Perhaps you need moral support while dropping the deuce.
14. Gentlemen’s Club Urinal: This guy’s a little too excited if he’s gotta pull this trick out of the woodworks. I’m always afraid of what weirdos I might run into in the restroom.
15. Open Urinal: When choosing a urinal the rule of thumb is to find the one furthest away from any other man. Nothing sends out the creeper vibe like posting up next to the only living being in a long line of empty urinals.
16. Food in the Stall: Out with the old in with the new… It’s really a timesaver! Really, how disgusting can you be? There is no fathomable reason, whatsoever, to bring food into the restroom with you. I wouldn’t eat off the floor in my own home, let alone the disgusting floor of a public restroom.
17. Sitting In the Urinal: Everyone’s had that awkward experience, or at least fear of, accidentally going into the wrong gender’s restroom. If you happen to make this mistake, and notice things aren’t quite normal, do an about face and leave before it gets any more awkward. DO NOT pretend all is well and try to make things look natural. It’s not going to work.
18. Missing the Mark: If you’re a sprayer or just can’t handle your manhood, be courteous and clean up after yourself. This is not a distance contest. Cozy on up and make your shot count.
19. Computing: I don’t think that you’re so highly paid that you have to take your work with you. Take it in your thoughts, but leave the laptop behind.
20. Inappropriate: There’s got to be a better place than a public restroom to relieve your sexual frustrations. Take it home with you or at least to the car. I would think that the last thing you would want while getting intimate would be to have some stranger come in and relieve their waste while you’re getting your cookies.
21. Monster Log: I prefer to drop the logs at home. Sometimes this is unavoidable and the looming fear is that I’m going to drop a pipe clogging monster log. It happens people. There’s nothing you can do about it.
22. Gender Confusion: This is something that you have to experience before you know how to handle it. Depending on the types of establishments that you frequent, this may or may not be a common occurrence. Walking into the bathroom to find a man dressed as a woman using the urinal. Just hope that it’s not the hottie you just bought a drink for.
23. Kid Peeper: I understand that sometimes you have to take your kids into the bathroom with you. Please keep them under control. Nobody wants your child peeping under the stall or wondering around unattended. The last thing I need if for a small child to interrupt me while I’m using a public bathroom.
I was absolutely mortified once, when an unattended little girl walked over to me and started tapping my leg saying, “Daddy, I’m done.” I tucked uncomfortably close to the urinal, told her I’m not her daddy, and called out for her father to retrieve his child before any more harm could be done. I saved that story for the last because I was, and still am, absolutely terrified when people come into the bathroom with their children. So fearful about the child’s lack of boundaries, the inability of the parent to multitask, or the dreaded moment when the child realizes that they were asking a stranger for help wiping. Protect your kids.
The moral of the story here is to learn proper bathroom etiquette. Have respect for people’s personal space and try not to be a slob. Let’s not create any awkward bathroom moments.
Share with your friends that need a subtle hint about proper bathroom etiquette.